Amazing what a Mothers Pep Talk can do.

  I was blessed to have my Angel mother Come out and Visit me this past January.  When She was here, we had some wonderful talks and conversation. My mom Noticed how much I was struggling with Caring about myself. or loving who I was.  She Took me aside and told me how much she loved me amoung other things that I will hold forever in my heart.
    That was the beginning.  The next step was a new "Not Homeless" Coat.  I felt Great. I was dressing like I valued myself.   I turned more fully to my Heavenly Father, and I found the strength in him and with the support of a loving husband and Family to break my sugar addiction. I will always be a recovering addict, but as I have taken care of myself, I have begun to have the body I always wanted.  I am eating better than I have my entire life.  It feels AMAZING.  It is easier to feel happy.  Sometimes like yesterday afternoon, after a day of fighting a losing battle with my kids I started to feel a little down, thoughts of uselessness and feelings of being unappreciated started to sneak in, All it took to get better was getting the kids busy doing something Non destructive, and a quick work out and I was back on top of my game.
  It has been about 5 weeks since I gave up sweets, 3 weeks since I started working out (moderate exersize).  Have I been here before?  No, Not this way or with this perspective.
   I did the "Diet" mentality,  the "Oh well I will just eat a salad for lunch a tiny breakfast and then dinner." I lost weight then, I was obsessed with weight, So much so that I would weigh myself every time I would go into my room.  The feeling of "I won't good enough till I am 130 pounds again" dominated my mind.  And as soon as I would start getting close, I would be jubilant and start eating whatever again.  Taking no thought of the consequenses, and the Massive depression that would hit 3 weeks later, or  The self loathing, amoung other highly destructive thoughts.  This time I asked Rob to hide the Scale in the garage.  It wasn't far enough, so he chucked it into the rafters.  At times I want to weigh myself, but My sponcer (Rob) wont let me.  Not till 6 weeks, and hopefully by then I will have concured the desire to know.
  I don't think I want to know, I don't want this to be a "Wieght Issue"  Or a WAIT issue.  I am not going to Wait to be happy, I am not going to wait to feel good about myself.  The "When I" is out of the picture. 
   This is about life.  It is about living to the fullest.  I am 28 years old, I have spent nearly 28 years being preoccupied with what I looked like, and hating myself.  I am done.  I am eating really well trying to undo years of damage inflicted by excessive indulgence in toxic foods.
   This is what life is about, this is where it begins.   I love my kids and I want them to have healthy habits.  Healthy lifestyle, and to have true and Real Confidence.
  

So SAD!

   There was a Family in my town who recently lost thier 2 day old baby to a horrible accident.  Their Huskey Got out and bit the babe on the head, Doctors were unable to save the baby's life.  I love Dogs, as do these people. As Dog lovers I think we tend to forget that they are indeed Preditors.  They can be unpredictable and are very smart.  This huskey broke out of its cage just before the accident insude. 
  My heart and feelings go out to that family.  I judged unfairly at first, I went wrong by judging at all. 

Music Of the Heart

    I spent the day with My extremely talented friend Anita.  She has written amazing music, but there were two of her songs today that really struck my heart.  One I do not know the name of describes the woman I want to be. Worthy of a Heavenly Fathers love, with her mind and heart set on the riches of heaven. The other about which side we stand on.  Are we In or Out.  As Rob listened with me, tears filled his eyes as he describe a general of an army calling to Her troops, are you in or out? are we going to stand for whats right or be lost?  That is the music of my heart.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGCZ5ebxe5w&feature=player_embedded
  This is one of the songs. "In Or Out" By Anita Anderson
  We woman and mothers are just that, Generals at the head of our Children leading them through this war field, teaching them how to navigate the pit falls, dodge firey darts, and fight with all they have.  We must teach them to feel the angels around them standing in battalions waiting to come to thier aid as soon as they are needed.  We must teach them not just to pray, but how to pray, with all energy of soul.  How to bring  our will in sycronisity with Heavenly Fathers so we will know what to ask for, when and how to ask.  How to use the atonement Of Jesus Christ to heal their wounds.  To know him. To know God.

  Anita your music is inspired and inspiring.

Late Night

I spent much of last night chatting with an old friend. A friend I had once considered close, but as years and distance and circumstance often do, now has worn that friendship down to acquaintance. The interesting thing about this friendship was that I considered them to be one of the closest friends, and kindred spirits of my "single" past. Apparently, they did not have the same experience as I did. Though they often told me otherwise at the time. So the thoughts rattling around in my head this morning, are these: Does it really matter how much others care about us? Is more gained through the receiving of love or giving it away?
The answers I have concluded on as of today, but not limited to, are, No It doesn't matter how much another person cares for you. There is SO much more to be gained by giving love away than receiving it.
The love I gave this friend, was an example to me the depth of my heart. I truly and deeply cared, and still do, for their happiness, not the glib I hope you find happiness, but a deep aching desire for them to truly achieve their divine potential and rights. For when any of us really start to live up to our divine potential, it is a miracle. He may not have gained much from our friendship, but I did. In fact, if it was not for him, I would never have grown up enough to Love and Marry the Man I really needed. The man that has taught me more about love, forgiveness, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ, than any other person. A Real Man that has shown me unconditional love, and I have learned true charity for.
There is absolutely more to be gained by loving another than being loved by another. Love is what carries us through, it gives us the feeling that we are acceptable to the people we know. Yet the only love that we can give away that is self sustaining, truly lifting and nourishing is the love of our Savior and Heavenly Father, and when we feel that, we desire to live up to the potential we all have. As it fills us from heaven, it fills every crack, every bruise, every hole of your spirit. Then it over flows, pours out and over all our family and friends and acquaintance, eventually the world. George Albert Smith was known for that kind of love.
No, my dear friend from so many years ago, thank you, thank you for letting me grow, for showing me how much I have grown. I do not regret the care I gave you. I do not regret the pain nor embarrassment of losing someone or something I never had. For I gained a little insight into how our Savior Loves, and feels. I am truly blessed.

Random Thoughts

I really don't do this enough....
As I was cleaning my house yesterday, and I looked around at our decor, I felt overwhelming gratitude. I decided to start a list of what I LOVE about "Us" Being my family. I love that we love to work. I love that we don't have to spend a ton of money to have nice things. I love the joy we feel in creating something new. Especially on the cheap. I love that I cook meals and breads and goodies from scratch. I love that we are careful with our money. I love how we get our sense of accomplishment from doing something ourselves, not just having sufficient money to hire someone to do it for us.
I am so excited to plant my garden in a couple months here. I can't wait to feel the joy that comes from eating our home grown food.
Heavenly Father has granted us so many gifts and talents. I hope to start discovering more and really cultivating them.
Being Idle is an abomination to God. I hope to purge myself of this. I watched WAY to much TV the past 2 days, and I noticed that as I did that I became easily angered, Tired, I had way less energy, and was not in anyway motivated. Funny how inertia works. Its not just a law of physics but also a law of psychology. Every one gets their sense of accomplishment, and worth from different things, these happen to be some of mine....What are yours?

A Childs Prayer...

There is very little in this world more honest, more sincere than a Child's prayer. I Don't think there is anything my kids do on a regular basis that I enjoy more than listening to their nighttime prayers.
Last Night it was my turn to put the babes to bed. As i knelt beside Maddie she thanked heavenly father for her day, told him all about it, all the things she did and how much fun it was. Then in closing she thanked him again for "My friend Daddy, I love mommy" and she closed.
Riley's Prayers are much more mature, especially for his Age. The high light from yesterday had to be this "Thank You for the world, Ask that Thou will bless it. Thank you for my family, ask that you will bless it too, and all our friends, and everyone on the world.... (Big pause, and then he realized he left someone out) and Bless the astronauts TOO!! " LOL he is such a sweet and thoughtful boy. His testimony is so strong, he is always reminding me that we are an eternal family and we will be together for ever! and he is going to love me forever even after we are DEAD!

I hope I will always remember to be as honest in my prayers as my kids are in theirs.

Piano.....

I am making a cake for Riley's piano Recital. It was loads of fun to do the practice cake, so here is proto type #1
I love making cakes, but after about 10 minutes the thrill of the creation wears off and I can't help but feel regret for not doing a better job. So this one is exciting cause i know exactly what I would like to do differently, and i will actually be able to do it again!